A Sarcastic Posting on Voting for the Orange One
About This Posting
No one who is a regular reader of this blog would be fooled into expecting to find an endorsement for the most famous felon in America to again soil the Oval Office. This posting is in the spirit of a Borowitz column, in the spirit of fun.
That there are still people out there who actually think Trump is a good idea is both baffling and sad. I hope many of them seek out the professional help they need. If anything in this posting encourages you to vote for Trump, please lie down and rest until the feeling passes.
Still, as we all make some popcorn and open a cold one to watch the debate tonight, consider the following factors.
Social Media Factors
- Hey, everyone is tired of and mad at the social media site X. The election could present an opportunity to knock it down a peg, leaving Truth Social the option to take over the lead spot.
- If we are all sick of X, we are REALLY sick of Elon Musk. This election provides the opportunity to have someone in prominence who actually makes Musk look good.
Governmental Factors
- When someone takes the office of president, the government prints up a zillion copies of their photo, to hang in government offices. Using Trump’s supply of his now infamous mug shot as the presidential portrait would save the cost of making a new one.
- We could save money on presidential foreign trips. Except for the occasional dictator, no one wants to meet with Trump, on anything. Think of all the jet fuel we could save!
- This whole democracy thing sure is messy. An autocracy would be so much simpler!
- Such an election would give us a perfect US security team at the top – a draft dodger and a guy whose one deployment was 6 months in an air conditioned office writing bulletins. Just look at how well foreign policy and security went under Trump the last time. What could possibly go wrong?!
- This would help heal the Heritage Foundation’s hurt feelings. Sure, they have evolved from being a serious conservative think tank to being a propaganda arm for the worst in us, but hey – they have feelings, too. Trump could really let them know, again, how much he loves them by taking the oath of office not on a bible, but on a copy of Plan 2025. He could borrow one of Vance’s copies for this ceremony.
Personal Factors
8. Help cure his loneliness. Trump is not exactly surrounded with warm-hearted friends. Listen to all those people who used to work for him that told us NOT to vote for him now, and they certainly are not voting for him. That list grows every day – the man is surely lonely with only a handful of syncopates hanging around. You can only talk with The Pillow Guy so often. And how about his missing family at the convention (and mostly everywhere else)? Total family presence at the convention equaled about 10 minutes. Poor lonely Donnie.
9. Having Trump in the White House and with all the communications capabilities he would have around him would make it much easier for his probation officer to keep track of him and to meet with him. I am sure the officer would very much appreciate this one.
10. We need a serious person in the White House. How could we miss with a guy who never smiles or laughs spontaneously and has never been seen petting a dog? The dogs are probably grateful anyway.
Economic Factors
- A Trump administration could be a really good business boosters for builders of useless fences, for all those who would build all those exportation camps, etc. Maybe even a boost for railroad cars? This was a very efficient transport option when another dictator used them in the 1940’s to move millions.
- A master of bankruptcy surely is best person to run the economy. Last time was just a practice round. Now he is ready! Recession and massive deficit, here we go. All those businesses he had that went broke. All the people who sued him for nonpayment. All the contractors who were underpaid. What great experience for our economic leader!
Miscellaneous Factor
- Surely the 3rd time is the charm! He lost in 2016 by millions of votes but snuck in via the Electoral College (Really a hoot that we still have that thing, eh?). He lost by even more, by over 7 million votes) in 2020. Surely the third time will work. I mean, look at the campaign he is running! Now is the time to latch on to a, uh, winner.
See You in November, If Not Before, to vote.
Many of us plan to vote specifically on the first day of early voting in our state, to make the gesture that we eager to get with it and set out the country’s direction. Driving to vote? Make a point of filling your car with others to vote.
57 days to go.
Bill Clontz
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